You know I actually had another article prepared for publishing instead of this one. It was somewhat in-depth guide / “teaching material” about how different environments handle strings, how they are laid in memory, and other intrinsic stuff. I wrote quite a lot about it, 10 minutes of content to read, quite long one, just like my previous technology focused articles.
I am not going to publish it, decided I am not feeling good about this blog anymore. It had become more of a place serving content disconnected from the “human” part. I don’t talk much in real life, at least outside my very close circle and even with them I tend to filter out quite a lot of stuff. I find writing quite relaxing and enjoyable in times. I can express myself a lot easily and with much less filters in writing.
But writing about “strings” doesn’t give any of that to me. It would only give me a sudden rush of dopamine if someone found it “interesting to read” and that’s it. Depending on external validation sucks the joy out of life for me. Maybe because I am grown up to be more on the “individualist” side of things in life; I enjoy hanging around by myself, Living, Traveling, Playing piano, Watching, Playing all by myself. I know myself good enough to know what I need in a certain situation, and right now I don’t want this place to become a place full of a soulless technical write-ups. Even on my technical writings I actually try to put some personality and build up to a story, but because of its nature It’s quite hard to really express yourself, especially emotions in a writing about different encodings and why bit width of a character can be 8 bits but can also be 104 bits depending on the contents. I usually do quite long research sessions before starting on writing and my research continues during my writing as well. The first impression oftentimes comes from some content I have consumed and had an idea on how can I represent it differently or mix with something else, but after starting to write them I realize how much I wasn’t aware of the subject and dig deeper into it.
I try my best to avoid giving invalid data, or provide some “proven” solutions, but that may not be always the case. For example in this post about implementing prioritized queues I wasn’t aware of the existing much faster and optimized solutions, I felt really dumb when some HN commenters pointed out about heap structure. I wanted to write another article with the new found ways (new for me, but well known for the most people), but once my research began I realized theres quite a lot to learn about this and I felt less confident than I started. Also turns out despite better ways being available and providing possibly a poor solution, I find the article interesting in terms of exploring the mental model involved in solving some challenges in engineering. It also demonstrates power of tools, I made the mistake because I had an hammer and everything looked like a nail to me, and you know what? It worked, may not be the perfect solution, but a working one perhaps.
This post is quite random one to be honest, I decided to start writing this after reading other people’s blogs and seeing that I do enjoy reading casual posts about their personal life or thoughts, advices, etc. I do really loved them, and continued reading more and more. Felt like that’s I wanted to create, You can find tons of resources about “strings” in the wild, but there’s only one me I am assuming multiple universe does not exist and I am going to die and varnish from the history just like how I used to not exist some 22 years ago. I may not be the funniest, joyful or interesting person, but I am unique in a way that I am mix of all of the personalities in a unique way. I am unique, Just like everyone else.
The second reason I started writing this was to try out one method I learned recently in two different contexts. In physiology you can see your inner self by writing without trying to perfect it or making edits. You start writing and just go on, without caring about the storyline, without caring about how it may come off to the audience, or without giving your brain time to filter out thoughts. It’s supposed to help yourself come up with ideas that are lying deep down within. The same method also supposed to work in story writing. You need to start writing without making edits, making mistakes along the way. You try to get as much as possible out of your head. I didn’t really succeed at any of these two, I edited quite heavily as I wrote down. But I tried hard to not completely wipe off any idea out my brain, and pressed myself to give less time to filter out thoughts.
This one of those #meta posts where I rant about how it’s becoming tedious to continue writing mixed with some light feelings and insecurity. I will probably continue writing new technical posts as well, but I also want to write out from personal experiences. I do not have a life full of experiences; but I continue to live some unique experiences that not everyone is lucky or sometimes unlucky enough to experience. I will push myself to write out more about them.
Also lastly, fuck all the LLM based AIs, they really demotivated me to stop writing. I do not like how the industry just went all in to scrape the soul out of the web to power those money printing machines. Both from the ethics perspective and economics perspective it doesn’t feel alright anymore. The power consolidates in singular hands while the value of lesser fortunate peasants like most of us diminishes. I do not care about AI replacing my job, but I am more concerned about humans being alright with the mediocrity produced by AI. Ah also mind you all the wars going in caucasus and middle east, feeling pressure from the both sides while dealing with my and family member’s health issues and my social matters, the stress of moving to another country, fear of losing my friends because of the distance, all in all adds to the injury that I am feeling nowadays. Seems like I am not really okay lol. This shall pass too, I am pessimistic but I am not hopeless, I just tend to have more “realistic” expectations from the life.